That is never returned or always taken for granted, somehow, someway. I know of the term “give but never expect to get”, I know that very well. I’ve lived with those words throughout my life because it’s the one and only advice my late-grandmother gave me when I was a toddler, a little short while before she died. She said its better to have your hand facing down to help than to have it facing up in need.

That’s why I’m like this. I didn’t care if people actually liked me back, I just genuinely smile at strangers and helped those who are in need. Hell, i spent my own money on people and expected nothing back. I don’t know how to be angry at people I know, I don’t know how to voice my unhappiness; I’ve never disagreed with my parents- the two people most adults grow up arguing with. Why? Because I was taught to swallow negative feelings and be nice.

But it all began to fall apart when someone close to me takes me for granted. What’s worse is that she takes her own life for granted; not taking the opportunities she knows that’s right in front of her and instead taking the easier route, not appreciating the kindness and tolerance I’ve given her for so many years. I’ve reached my peak.

I spend so much money, time, and effort on other people more than myself and definitely a lot more than I should. Why do I even do this? Why do I even bother?

Somewhere in my mind, I really want to be a good person to people watching me and watching over me, dead or alive. But no matter how much I grit my teeth, no matter how deep I breathe, and no matter how much I pray God to help me be more kind, I just can’t stop losing faith in people.